Monday, 13 January 2014

Little green eyed monsters

Jellied eel, jelly baby, jelly shoe. I am all of these things. Jealous. Such a jealous person. I'LL ADMIT IT. Oooh am I jealous. Be it because I'm an only child, be it that my high school heart throb trampled all over my impressionable heart by sleeping with everyone but me, it really doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm fundamentally a bit of a bunny boiler.
I don't (always) act on it. I try to smoother it as and when possible. And I mostly succeed. I often even go too far the other way and pretend to not be bothered in the slightest. But the fact remains that I do get jealous.
Not just with boys, even with my friends and family. I distinctly remember one of my school friends telling me that she'd recently struck up a 'really close' friendship with some girls that lived around the corner from me, and the very first thing I did was mock her. 'HA! You can't be really close friends with them! You've only just met them! HA! You idiot!' But in my head I was frantically thinking, 'You're my friend!! What's going on here?! Who are these new girls? Why are they marching all over my territory? WHAT IS THIS?! HOW CAN IT BE STOPPED?!'
Fundamentally, it just feels really nice to be someone's favourite, and it doesn't feel even remotely as nice to be second (or third or fourth) best.
I mean, I get that it's selfish, I really do. And being rational, of course I want all the people that I love to love, and be loved by, LOADS of other people. All the other people they want. But yet, I can't always stop that little green eyed monster from rearing its ugly acne-ridden face.
So there you are, I've aired it, it's out in the open, my secret is now your secret too. Ain't no shame.
Now. Most jealous people manage to control these shameful feelings of envy. I certainly do (most of the time.) But there's one little green eyed monster who just can't seem to grasp the concept of concealing this embarrassing sentiment.
This little green eyed monster is also an only child.
This little green eyed monster most definitely hasn't lived enough to be cheated on yet.
That's because this little green eyed monster is six.
This little green eyed monster is E.V.P.
And this little green eyed monster doesn't even try and hide his jealous streak.
And my god, is he jealous... But strangely, the object of most of his jealousy is none other than my very own J.G. (Don't let E.V.P. hear me calling him that though, god forbid.) I would even go as far as saying that E.V.P. hates J.G. All it takes to wind E.V.P. up into an unsuppressed jealous rage is for me to get my phone out of my bag. He'll start tutting and sighing and he'll eventually swallow his pride enough to ask, 'is that J pourri?' (This is the sole name with which he can bring himself to address J.G. with...) While I'm talking to J I'll catch E.V.P. out of the corner of my eye rolling his eyes and sticking his tongue out. And his collection of insults reserved for J is extensive to say the least... We regularly get:
*crotte de chien
*espèce de cafard
*tout pourri
...and I'll stop there, because then they get personal. He's quite something with the creative insults.
My tiny 6 year old nightmare has also been known to see J.G. on Skype and shout in dismay, 'he's ugly!' So there's that too.
He asks after him though. Intertwined with his apparent dislike of the other man in my life there's something like curiosity. Like they say... keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. I guess he realises the perks of knowing what you're dealing with.
To be fair to E.V.P. though, now I know that it gets on his nerves, I speak about J.G. even more (haha, I'm a petite bitch, je sais, but I need to fill the quiet time in between one Beyblade tournament and the next somehow.) I'll purposefully pretend to go all weak at the knees when I'm talking about J, and I'll say things like, 'ooh isn't he lovely? Oooh isn't he beautiful? Oooh my precious J!', just to see E.V.P. go all green and exasperated.
The one time they were in the same room E.V.P. just completely ignored him. He couldn't even muster up the energy to say hello to his arch nemesis. I'm hoping that for their next meet we'll maybe progress to something slightly more civil. Maybe a handshake. Maybe a slap on the back (knowing E.V.P. though, it's more likely to be a slap in the face.) My favourite thought of all though is that E.V.P. will take J.G. to one side, look him straight in the eyes and tell him quietly but seriously to treat me right, or there'll be trouble.
Wouldn't put it past him.        

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